Category Archives: Editorial

Weekly Flashback: McDonald’s Treasure Land Adventure

Sega Genesis

 
“Corporate Deathburger – Ronald McDonald!” – MDC
 

Every flashback I’ve done so far has been for nostalgic games that I liked (except for that conniving StarTropics)

What I originally wanted to do with these was blog about older, shitty games. They had to be old and especially stupid. I figured: the shittier – the funnier . .

Well, after playing this fucking treat, McDonald’s Treasureland Adventure, I checked my blood pressure and decided to finally write about a truly shitty game for once. A mistake, maybe.

I realized that shittier doesn’t equal funnier at all. It usually just equals shittier. One minute this game has me laughing like a mongolian idiot at how ridiculous it is — the next i’m spit-yelling at everything in my living room. My iced tea — out the window.

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I, for one, welcome our new Apple overlords…

With news hitting the web that Apple has now sold 220 million iOS devices, we’d like to break down just how insane that is.  In the last year, Apple has sold 100 million iPhones, iPads, and iPod Touches.  Last month the figure spiked to 37 million sales.  In one month.  Compare that to the approximate 4 million Nintendo 3ds that have sold since the device was released.  We’ve heard the talk about how the iOS devices aren’t gaming devices for ages, but at this point I think one could objectively state that Apple is stealing the gaming business away from companies that didn’t even recognize it as a competitor until it was too late.  We’ve already watched Apple steal the music business away from retailers that scoffed at the prospect of being outsold by a digital download service.  It would not be surprising to see Apple continue its upward sales trend and be the dominant gaming console within 5 years, and reactive decisions to emulate Apple’s devices (see: Wii-U) aren’t helping the big 3 stop Apple from stealing their business.  I game on my PC and Xbox 360, but I have to say I spend way more time gaming on my iPod Touch, even if I’m at home with access to the other systems.  So if your a gamer who has been holding off on buying an iOS device, just buy one now.  Resistance is futile.

 

Thanks to allthingsD.com for the great news story where the information in this story was found.

Weekly Flashback: Lemmings

SNES

“Smile if you love Lemmings!”

Ah, it feels great to be writing about a game so burned into my skull. Normally I would re-visit an old game before doing a ‘Flashback’ on it – making sure I remember it well enough. Not necessary this time. These little idiots with their green mushroom-cuts were a pretty integral part of my childhood, were fairly consistently referenced by my sister and I. This was probably, in most part, because of the preference my friends and I had at the time for our own hair to be cut into mushrooms.

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Terraria: Day Two

Note: Check out part one of our Terraria diary here.

So we knew that building shelter was going to be our main focus.  We also knew that we could dig and gather resources to make better tools and weapons – we just didn’t have a clue as to exactly what we could make.

We started building the inside of our shelter – all the while expanding outward.  Our shelter was now turning into a house, but we had ambitions for a large scale castle… clearly.  We put up walls, torches, tables, doors, everything people would need to call their house a home.  Suddenly we were alerted, “Guide has arrived!”.  We had our first visitor!  The Guide offered us some assistance, and told us what we could craft with the items we currently had.  He was kind of dink, but we decided to let him stay in our house.  Only 1 night after, we had a Merchant appear, and was interested in selling us items!  We finally had a use for the gold we found from destroying green slimes!

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Duke Nukem Forever PC Review

First of all, It’s only suiting that my review of Duke Nukem Forver is late.

To those of you living on Mars, Duke Nukem Forever was in development from 1996 until it was released in 2011 (Although to be fair, im sure even Martians know this).

I remember everyone debating the possibility of the game being bad, but I kept saying “Even if it IS bad, it’s Duke friggin Nukem.  I know that I’m gonna like it regardless”; I had no idea what hot water I was getting myself into.

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Why is the new XCOM an FPS? thats the punchline…

Hi there, Im a fuckhead!

“Every studio we had wanted to do it and each one had its own spin on it, but the problem was that turn-based strategy games were no longer the hottest thing on planet Earth. But this is not just a commercial thing – strategy games are just not contemporary.” – Cristoph Hartmann, 2K Games

The old XCOM is pretty much hailed as one of the best PC games to ever exist.  Seriously, check out ANY top 10 list online (except mine), and itll be either #1 or #2 in most.

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Weekly Flashback: Blackthorne

BLACKTHORNE (SNES)

Screw World of Warcraft. Yeah, your eyes aren’t “betraying” you (get it? you better not.)

I said screw it! I meant it, too. And furthermore, I really meant “Fuck it!”. Old-school Warcraft was cool.
Well, lets not use the word ‘cool‘ if we’re being honest. Lets use ‘fun‘.

This “World of Warcraft” is a world of ancient, Chinese pecker-bum torture. Watch as this motherloving substitute for the great outdoors, the trees and the grass, devours the brains of our socially challenged. Dear, Blizzard Entertainment. What the hell do you want with the dumb-brains you’re harvesting? They’re dumb brains! Well, by the time your game is done dinking them mightily, they are.
Your true greatest accomplishment? I think you know full well. We ALL know! Don’t we?! WHO’S WITH ME?! CHARRGGEE!

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Top 10 Pre Y2K PC games

I played a lot of games as a kid, but there were a few games during my rat bastard childhood that just had me glued to my computer ANYTIME i was “home sick from school”. These are games that basically raised me. Many dinners got cold next to my keyboard and mouse. Many errands were missed, though to be fair, i didnt really run “errands” as a kid.
I can still hear my dads voice booming down the stairs “David!, let someone else use the computer!”. Now keep in mind this was pre year 2000; the only other reason to use a computer was for ICQ or mIRC accounts, so I didnt see why anyone but me would even need it.

These are my top 10 pre Y2K PC games

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Terraria: Day One

 

The following are the events of Dave and Jordan while living in the world of Terraria.

Upon starting the game with a wooden pickaxe in hand, we decided to explore this wonderfully-pixelated world.  We soon discovered that our pickaxes could chop through mud, dirt, and stone.  After chopping through these materials, we could then place them as we wanted – we were building!  We were also givin an axe, meant to chop down trees, of course. 
Dave figured out that he could build a workbench from the wood that he collected, allowing him to craft even more items.  Unfortunately, as Dave was placing his workbench, a horrendous slime monster approached.  We swung blindly at the beast, but barely hurt it.  Not having the skills to fight yet, we failed.  We both quickly succumbed to the slimy blob, exploding in a shower of 16-bit viscera.

A green and blue slime... blue is clearly way tougher

Horrified, we soon discovered that slimes weren’t the only creatures that would plague us.
As the sun set, we had no idea what we were in for that night.  While we cheerfully pickaxed at stone and dirt, out of the shadows came a green figure.  Jordan yelled “Zombie!!!”, and then we panicked.  Harvesting supplies was no longer our main concern.  We attempted to fight off the zombies, however we were too weak and were getting overrun.  After building a dirt hut to cover in, we watched the zombies trying to find a way in.  Then we saw a small silhouette of a baseball fly through the sky. 
“what the hell was that?” said Jordan.
“That…. looked like a floating eyeball”

It was clear we would have to do one specific thing: build ourselves a house where we can seek refuge from the monsters in our world

Zombies!!

As the sun rose, our stress and panic wore off.  After chopping some stone blocks to build our house with, we learned that we could craft a fireplace at the workbench using wood and some gel we obtained from finally kicking the shit out of the slimes. 

We had finally created what we needed to assure our survival, but we still needed some type of shelter.  Instead of a house, we decided on a castle.  Not just any castle, a monstrous castle, dubbed “new winterfell” out of an affection for Game of Thrones. Since we had a theme to follow, we knew what to do. An ancient forest. A garden. A conference/throne room. Towers with weird discs on the top. It would all be built on the hallowed grounds of the north. 
However, all we had was a dirt hut. 
We knew we had a lot of work ahead of us…

Terraria: Video Game Heroin

So Dave and I have recently been trying out Terraria, and if you’re wondering why we’ve had so few posts in the last week, it’s because we are both addicted at this point.  Terraria, a PC game available on Valve’s Steam service, is 2D Minecraft.  I didn’t want to portray Terraria in this way, but there’s no avoiding it, it is completely based on Minecraft.  I’m not going to explain how Minecraft works in this post (I’ll save the basics for the review), but Minecraft – and by virtue of its shameless emulation – Terraria are sandbox games.  Tasked with doing nothing more than you want to, you’ll merrily chop away at pixelated blocks of dirt and stone to gain materials to craft awesome weapon and armor items.  You can also craft all manner of decorative items to build your own little house, or in our case giant castle.  Those are the core elements of the gameplay, but there is so much more. Read the rest of this entry