Weekly Flashback: McDonald’s Treasure Land Adventure
What I originally wanted to do with these was blog about older, shitty games. They had to be old and especially stupid. I figured: the shittier – the funnier . .
Well, after playing this fucking treat, McDonald’s Treasureland Adventure, I checked my blood pressure and decided to finally write about a truly shitty game for once. A mistake, maybe.
I realized that shittier doesn’t equal funnier at all. It usually just equals shittier. One minute this game has me laughing like a mongolian idiot at how ridiculous it is — the next i’m spit-yelling at everything in my living room. My iced tea — out the window.
Alright, so the “gameplay” in this monstrosity really isn’t all that terrible. It’s like an extremely poor man’s Bionic Commando meets a third-world man’s Sonic the Hedgehog, only really slow, stupid and awkward. I can stomach the gameplay. It’s every single other thing about it that I can’t stomach.
Yeah, it was meant for kids. Well, I was a kid once, and as a kid, I wouldn’t have played past the first level of this shit if I got it for free as a happy meal toy. Not even in exchange for the world’s premier Pog collection.
Ronald skips along this stupid looking acid-head adventure and stumbles across a couple of guys, who are up to no good — and starting to make trouble in the neighborhood. What does he do about it? He sprays a shimmering stream of 400° grease into their eyes. Fuckin’ psssssssssh! Deep-fried goons.
The thing about the baddies is that they all seem pretty harmless and they’re all smiling, having an alright time. Until this goofy asshole comes gallivanting. What a shitty game.
I mean, yes, this turtle is enormous. See his smile, though? He’s relaxing. The damage he does to you is equivalent to running head-on into a giant turtle in real-life, like an idiot. Half the time he’s in his shell, hiding his eyes from such fuckin’ offensively bright yellows and reds.
Everyone thinks that Mickey D’s is just a giant, disgusting goldmine at the expense of tortured animals and fat people with addictive personalities. Well, all that may be true but Ronald seems to be an alright guy, right? He’s just saying hello to an innocent turtle. Raphael. That’s what he named him — Raphael.
Ah, he’s a good guy, right?
Really, though: This game is pure bullshit. It just insults your intelligence all over the place. You just jump around collecting stupid little flowers and other objects that you never seem to figure out the use of. I know I can throw my magical gems at a boss so he eats them – leaving him vulnerable to my magical pixie-dust, but no button will throw them. What a nightmare.
Whats worse is you can hit these random vending machines and spend “golds” that you pick up on more of these damned mystery objects.
I don’t even know how to describe the nonsensical complexity of the levels. I don’t even want to post a picture of one. Playing them is as simple as pressing the jump button seven-thousand times, but the design and visuals are impossibly dumb.
Its like it was the deadline day and the level designers were late for a meeting about the other game, the real game that they were making — the game that doesn’t suck 37 dicks on the way out of the parking lot — so they let the janitor finish off the designs or something.
I’m walking towards the end of a level and these behemoth waves start pushing me up to space and Ronald just starts doing the fuckin’ badger dance all over the place — all the while there’s these fuckin’ menacing space cupcakes with unicorn horns whizzing around. You can’t even control Ronnie. I mean, he couldn’t be less assertive in every scenario he finds himself in.
Like — get your giggles in, guys. A second person is playing your game, 18 years later, and the joke is once again on them. Victorious!
Why not just don’t make this game at all? The decision to make this game is like the decision to come up with the word ‘lisp’ and put an ‘s’ in it. There is no era in gaming where this game wouldn’t be considered a total prick-job.
You want to know what McD’s Treasureland has got me resorting to?
“Whats that you say? Oh. . . you want my two magic jewels on both of your big, dirty, hamburglary chins?”
A’huh huh huh. . Dick jokes are all I’ve got for this disease.
Oh. . and there’s this. Accept my apology in advance:
Posted on July 28, 2011, in Editorial, Reviews, Uncategorized, Weekly Flashback and tagged adventure, hamburglar, mcdonalds, mdc, old games, reviews, ronald mcdonald, Sega, Sega Genesis, shitty games, stupid, treasureland. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.