Weekly Flashback: Blackthorne


Screw World of Warcraft. Yeah, your eyes aren’t “betraying” you (get it? you better not.)

I said screw it! I meant it, too. And furthermore, I really meant “Fuck it!”. Old-school Warcraft was cool.
Well, lets not use the word ‘cool‘ if we’re being honest. Lets use ‘fun‘.

This “World of Warcraft” is a world of ancient, Chinese pecker-bum torture. Watch as this motherloving substitute for the great outdoors, the trees and the grass, devours the brains of our socially challenged. Dear, Blizzard Entertainment. What the hell do you want with the dumb-brains you’re harvesting? They’re dumb brains! Well, by the time your game is done dinking them mightily, they are.
Your true greatest accomplishment? I think you know full well. We ALL know! Don’t we?! WHO’S WITH ME?! CHARRGGEE!

Alright, man. I’m relaxed. Don’t ask what the hell that outrageous tantrum was all about. Shit got out of hand. The truth is that I don’t really care at all about “WoW”. I just needed a funny intro and it had to pertain to this week’s game. This week it’s BlackThorne.

Passwords rule. My Blackberry's MemoPad is full of Blackthorne, Lolo and Lemmings passwords

This game came out in ’94. That would have made me ten years old. Lets say between ten and twelve when I played it. Despite my premature. . maturity, I find it highly unlikely that I could have seen Blackthorne for how much unwavering fucking bad-ass it radiated. It is specifically the ‘don’t-give-a-shit’ type of bad-ass which is, not arguably, the best type.

Think i’m talkin’ jive? Check out how the game merely begins:

Sarlac will kill you. He’ll just kill you, that’s it. There’s no dancing around it. This is evident before you even see him. It could be his terrifying gargoyle castle that contains so much pure evil and fury that every one of its hundreds of windows radiates blood-red light. Or maybe he just really likes developing photos.

Then you see him, before a council of  his minions. In the game he’s supposed to be an evil ruler who lives on a planet that has always existed but that we never knew about. Does that sound anything like an analogy for fuckin’ Beelzebub and HELL to you? Hairy centaur legs? Check. He-Man’s upper body? Check. Goat horns? Check. Hounds of hell? You get it. Antagonist > You.

“What is your bidding sire?”, his minions ask.

“Order a full attack. Leave no survivors.” says the baddest motherfucker in the land. And in case they think he’s just playin’:

NOW! GO ON, GIT! This is all just the intro, letting you know that there is still time to turn back and play Mario Kart before this game implodes your balls.

Then there is the protagonist, Kyle Vlaros. Don’t let a honky-ass name like Kyle fool you: He is Indian as fuck and he’s almost certainly the most metal dude there ever was. Tattered wife-beater, jeans with ripped knees, long black hair to his ass. He is like if Sitting Bull banged T-1000 and their dirty bastard-child, all grownsed up, joined Black Sabbath.

Here he is. Apparently he's like 65

The idea of the game is to pump through all sorts of evil demons with your 12-guage on the way to the ruler, Sarlac. Your lazy-ass father, Lord Vlaros, is the rightful dude to rule and it only seemed logical that he send his apparently dispensable son to take care of shit for him.

An interesting thing about the terrain you’re trudging through on your way to victory is the human slaves that are either chained, trapped or  “mining” all over the place. Whats more is you can blast their dirty asses apart and there are no repercussions to being such a traitorous dick.

Rejoice. You're eating tonight, friend. I've smuggled this cock past the guards.

You would think that shooting the good guys and just plain messing with them is a well that would run dry pretty quickly. You would think that. I wouldn’t.

Hey! Be glad there's anything to eat at all!

Blackthorne (i’m not calling him Kyle) couldn’t give less of a shit about anything, ever. He’s like a ticked off metal-head robot that has coordinates programmed into his memory chip that just simply tell him to obliterate the entire fuckin’ planet. The planet of Tuul, to be precise. But who gives a shit what planet? Blackthorne sure doesn’t.

The future of mining: Sledge-hammering with a giant lightning gun. With shorts and no shoes

Blackthorne is really just the game Flashback except it’s not a cry-baby pussy. It’s also silly dark. You can’t see shit. It’s so darkly bad-ass that it’s almost just a blank, pitch-black screen the entire time.

I used to laugh my ass off playing this game as a kid. Like I said, I never got tired of blasting the innocent slaves but it was also pretty funny as a whole. When you fall or run into something, the ARRGGH that you make is perfect. When you get shot by a demon he laughs like hell in a deep, beastly voice which gives you ample time to shoot him in the teeth every time. Also, no matter how close you are to anything that will harm you, you can just hold UP and you “hide” behind nothing, rendering you completely invincible.

We're both hiding within arms reach.

  See how much I had to brighten this shit to see it well? Outrageous. But come on. . This game will fight your entire house. Sure, if you waste certain items before you need them in the game you have to start over, but that’s forgivable. You have no choice but to forgive it. Because if you don’t, it will implode your balls. If you skipped this sleeper back in the 1994, I suggest you stick to Mario Kart.


Posted on July 13, 2011, in Editorial, Random, Reviews, Uncategorized, Weekly Flashback and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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