Weekly Flashback (Bonus Round!): Arch Rivals
I will be dong a second “Weekly Flashback” blog every once in a while when my stupid, satirical hunger simply can’t resist. As it happens, this week’s BONUS ROUND!! will be Arch Rivals: A BasketBRAWL! (NES). This mother is just begging to be blogged about.
Note: However unimportant it may be; all the images I use in these blogs are screenshots of the actual games that I have taken myself while playing them. . . The only exception being the physical cover images from the games. Those I stole.
Arch Rivals: A BasketBrawl!
The title alone may adequately take the place of a witty intro, and it comes with a built-in punchline. It’s easy-to-do! I’ve been replacing witty with lame my whole life and it works like a charm.
So the real cases I want to make, with this obvious precursor to the much-loved NBA Jam, are as follows:
Racism and Pedophilia
I know what you’re thinking! “Woah, man. . . What? This is some pretty heavy shit for a Nintendo game.” Yes. In all likelihood I am wrong, but lets make an official investigation of it on grounds of suspicion.
Racism Exhibit A:
Take a look at the image above. “Arch Rivals”. Okay, so they might simply be reminding kids that white men can also jump. The part in question is the white fist that punches through the basketball as the game waits for you to press start. Arch Rivals, but the white man prevails? Violently? You decide.
Racism Exhibit B:
Wait a minute, only white cheerleaders and fans allowed?
Oh, never mind. I guess black cheerleaders and fans are also allowed. . . But the black fans have to sit by the black cheerleader and the white fans have to stick by their white cheerleader. Hm. . . Racial grouping. . Wait a second, they’re all the same people who have been painted black and asked to change t-shirts. . What is this, a minstrel show?
You be the jury! Moving on. . .
Pedophilia Exhibit A:
Alright, I get it. There is only so much an 8-bit game can do. I realize that it may be a lot easier to just color the same people black for ethnic diversity.
I also realize that it would be difficult to make the small, shitty graphic of a half-time cheerleader look older than twelve, but look at this guy’s face!
“More to come..” What a guy! I mean, these girls are totally twelve, no doubt about it, but even if they were thirty, this dude has got some seriously nasty motives. Believe that.
. . . But not if Reggie gets them first! Yeah, I was Mohawk (the black guy) and this dude Reggie (the white guy) tore me a new one, 81-50. I was winning after the third quarter but then someone told Reggie that the prize was a twelve-year-old and he suddenly turned into a damned wildebeest and whooped my ass offensively from there on.
Is this unassuming “b-ball” game actually the ‘late-night-sneaky-uncle’ type of creepy? Or is it just plain 8-bit perversion. . Which I guess is also creepy. Or neither?! You decide.
All moronic joking aside, although in slightly bad taste, this isn’t meant to be offensive. I actually loved Arch Rivals. I remember when I first played NBA Jam for SNES, I knew that I had played a game exactly like it before. I just couldn’t remember what it was until recently in emulation land. Eureka, I must have thought. I can finally revisit the joy that it gave me to punch the hell out of my opponents (which is a great foundation to base any game on) in a game of basket
ballBRAWL without getting a foul. It was also the first game where you could smash the backboard. And could you “pants” the ref in NBA Jam? I didn’t think so. Beautifully fun. . . For a match or two.